The Substance of Faith
by David and Carol Hoffman

"Our lives were chaotic-a living hell. We called ourselves Christians, but we had no testimony." Carol: "I saw myself as a strong Christian, but thought nothing of lying and tearing people down." Dave: "I knew I was-n’t right. I was living a lie-my insides and my outsides didn’t match. At one point, deep in sin, a friend asked me about God-I knew I had no answer, was a hypocrite, and was sorry I ever became a Christian. Nobody in our church bothered to be honest with us about our lives. Actually, I don’t think we would have listened to them if they had. But, thank God, that’s not where we are now! Through the lov-ing correction and guidance of Zerubbabel fellowship, hard fought obedience, and faith, God has given us a testimony which is His life through us for others."

David:

I was born again in high school. Most of my young adult life, even though I was actively involved in Bible studies and an elder at church, I was trapped in serious sin. About 15 years ago, I first attended a confer-ence where I heard people talking about "no independent self." The people there seemed to have the answer back then, and indeed they did. Then about five years ago the consequences of my actions caught up to me. That was the beginning of applying the truth I had, until then, merely assented to. By this time I knew the message for years-that we were not independently operating people, but as Christians we are ves-sels joined to Christ through whom He lives His life. But I was addict-ed-stuck in sin-through my own choices and actions. Extremely self-centered, I worried only about what I could get out of a relationship. During most of my marriage I am ashamed to say I was mean and abu-sive. Carol and I mostly hated each other. I didn’t care about anyone but myself. I did what I wanted without much thought about how my behav-ior impacted others. My children never knew a "normal" emotional environment. Instead of dealing with the source of my problems, I would come home mad about things going on at work and I’d walk through the door barking orders and taking out my frustrations on Carol and the chil-dren. I was a rat’s nest of emotions-anger, confusion, and shame for using my addiction to medicate my emotions. What finally made a differ-ence were the necessary tough and honest confrontations-continued reminders of what our lives really were like and the consequences to ourselves and our family as a result of our Satan-bossed, self-centered lives.

The most significant point in my recovery was realizing that I had hurt people and I didn’t care-I wanted what I wanted and didn’t care what it took. I didn’t need a Savior who could live differently through me. When I saw through other people’s eyes what I was really doing, I felt hopeless for the first time; I could not take one more step in fear of hurting one more person. I wanted to change, but there was no way I could. For the first time, I needed a Savior who could do it-Jesus Christ living His life through me as a vessel. Once I began to put that in practice and accepted that my circumstances were perfect, that if my situation was meant to be different then it would be, I began to change from the inside out. I thought my circumstances would change, but they didn’t right away, and I was ok with that.

That Satan-bossed past is now history. What made the difference was the outpoured love we received-people in the fellowship cared enough to say what they thought and bring me face-to-face with the truth-and the way out of my sin. They were willing to listen and talk to me-over and over again. Broken by sin, Carol and I knew we truly could not live a Christian life without Christ living it through us.

With that history in mind, Carol and I both still sometimes have diffi-culty sharing thoughts, ideas, and emotions without some friction between us. But now when friction occurs, we both call it Christ expressing Himself through us in earthen vessels. As real people in real life, we still sometimes argue-but it’s about a specific topic germane to the issue we are dealing with. Occasionally we find that one or the other of us is in unbelief in some way and through our discussion it comes to light. The hard part is acknowl-edging the unbelief and being honest in our confession of it. What I do find encouraging and delightful is that no matter how heated it gets, or dis-agreeable it seems, we resolve mat-ters quickly and don’t revisit issues over and over again. I feel truly con-nected to a person, my wife, for the first time in my life. And that is only made possible because of the PER-SON living His life through me.

In my sin-filled past, I would try to change my environment. "My boss is an idiot," "This place stinks," would be my mantra. So I would get a different job, or get fired for my rotten attitude. The only problem is "I" would have to come with me. The problem was not outward but inward. Now I realize that no matter how dif-ficult something seems, or hopeless it feels, it is Jesus Christ coming to me in that circumstance or event. I don’t jump for joy and make myself feel happy about a circumstance, but I stop fighting God and rest in the fact that He has orchestrated these events and circumstances. It has changed my outlook.

Currently, I am a property man-ager for 460 apartment units spread over several communities. We are experiencing a difficult rental market along with some extenuating circum-stances in one of our key markets. I believe daily that this is God’s cir-cumstance and if it was meant to be different then it would be. I am resolved that Christ is living His life through me, and my desires are real-ly His desires through me. The peo-ple He brings in my workday are meant to be there. I am His vessel for His purpose.

Carol:

I accepted Christ at 17. Though there was some change in my life, I was still miserable and had no friends. Around 1992, we attended our first Zerubbabel conference in Minneapolis. Even back then I knew the teaching we heard was the truth and was the answer to my problems. At the time, however, I didn’t put together what it meant or the extent of "my problem." Afterwards, we began attending annual Zerubbabel summer camps. We also remained in touch throughout the year. Summer camp of 2001 was the turning point of my life-when I finally started facing the sin/Satan’s misuse in my life by confessing and turning from it.

I was dishonest to Dave-never bringing up how his sinful behavior hurt us; instead, I took revenge on him by causing fights over unimpor-tant things. I was pleased when he was upset, and I was cold, mean and disinterested in him. I verbally abused and manipulated my children to cause turmoil and fights with one another. I did this to irritate their father and to feel power-like a drug-from inflicting pain on them. I had no friends because I compared myself with everyone and looked for ways to cut them down and find real or imagined ways that I could believe I was superior to them. This included living vicariously through my chil-dren’s athletic accomplishments: I was pleased when they out-shined teammates and vicariously their par-ents, and furious when they didn’t. I compared my weight with other women’s weight: when I thought I looked better than someone, I was pleased and gloated; when I didn’t, I was furious and found ways to cut them down in my mind or ways to put them in a bad light with other people. I did the same with real and imagined artistic abilities and anything else that I thought that I was "good" at. "I ,I,I"- it was all about me.

Wonder of wonders, after repen-tance back in 2001, I experienced freedom from Satan’s spirit control of my mind and members. Christ is now flowing like a river of living water from my inmost parts to others (John 7:38). In addition, through cor-rection and direction of Christ–indwelt friends in our fellowship, I learned and now practice the disci-pline of renewing my mind (Romans 12:2). Instead of just going with what I think or feel, like I did most of my life, I began believing what the Bible says: I am a temple, branch with Jesus Christ living through me. I made a decision to be thankful in every situation, realizing that diffi-cult circumstances are not only from God, but are opportunities to identify with others in similar situations. One of my favorite Norman Grubb quota-tions is: "He lives over again in us in all sorts of circumstances to reach others by us. Now that turns adverse situations into adventure. They are not for the dreary purpose of some more self improvement (an impossi-bility anyhow!),
they are the out-flowing of the rivers to others" (Summit Living, p. 343).

I didn’t realize for a long time the impact/change that had occurred from right believing and the daily renewing of my mind. It’s not me at all, of course, it’s really Christ’s Life as me (Galatians 2:20). Here’s how it looks: My motivation has materially changed towards my husband, my children and everyone. I am interest-ed in what is best for them and look for ways to reach them for Christ or to further their understanding of the Total Truth. As for my children, I have completely stopped baiting and tormenting them to fight with each other. Instead, though I am some-times tough with them when neces-sary, I encourage them to express thankfulness for difficulties and vari-ous circumstances in their lives. Most mornings, for the past several years, we carry out a morning read-ing from either the Bible or Summit Living by Norman Grubb. Afterwards everyone is required to say something they are thankful for that day. This has had great results and seems to set the tone of faith in our daily lives.

Here are some examples of how the children are applying faith in the challenges of their lives: Our eldest daughter, Crystal, was a substitute teacher a year-and-a-half while searching for a full-time teach-ing position. Throughout her job search, she continued to believe that God was in charge and it was His business where she would get a teaching job. She was hired this year as a sixth grade teacher at a Milwaukee charter school with a mixture of students from different ethnic groups. What a challenge! Some students are disruptive, and a few even start fights in class. Others are failing subjects because they don’t care and as a result they didn’t complete much of their work. She has to be tough with them and some-times even has to call their parents to discuss their child. She struggles with thinking that she is an inade-quate teacher. Though she feels frus-trated and upset about her students and herself nearly everyday, she con-tinues to thank God for the class that He gave her and to trust that He is per
fect love to them through her. Hearing her struggles and the faith that follows nearly everyday is music to a Christ/mother’s ears.

"I didn’t like the class, so I didn’t do my assignments," was the response of our second eldest daugh-ter, Carin, when questioned why she failed a class her first semester of college. Carin’s grades were so poor that we decided she would not be returning the next semester. After we told her to get a job and pay for school or she’d have to move out, Carin decided to get a job and pay her own tuition as a full-time student at a local college. Through it all and early on, there was a definite Spirit change in her. After some emotional upheaval on her part, she realized that squandering the opportunity to go to college was irresponsible and sin; she turned from it. She brought her grades up to an A average while attending a local college (we expect-ed A’s & B’s). Well, she got her wish! We sent her back to her former school. Carin, now 22, will be gradu-ating this May. How did faith work in that you might ask? She can hard-ly explain it other than she turned from sin and kept her face going in the direction that she knew she should go. Recently she initiated a weekly Bible study with her sister, who attends the same school, based on Yes, I Am by Norman Grubb. She also discusses what she believes with past and present roommates and has taken responsibility for her money by making a budget and keeping to it (a past problem). Our daughter is growing up right in front of us.

Cheri, our youngest daughter and a junior in college, says that believ-ing that she is Christ/Cheri, a vessel of Christ, has transformed her think-ing. Attending a religious/Christian college, she frequently hears state-ments like, "I need to spend more quiet time getting closer to God" or asking God to help us. The truth is, because we are born-again Christians, the Holy Spirit is already united with our spirits (1 Cor. 6:17), and we are never separated from Him. In fact, He couldn’t be any closer to us than He already is. Cheri has confidence in who she is, and Christ by her discerns the differences in what she hears at school and what she believes. Not only has Cheri written papers about her beliefs, she comments about what she knows in class discussions and to friends. I am thrilled to hear her faith and how she shares it with others.

"But Mom, why do I have to…?" I remember once when our youngest child, David, was a little boy, he refused to do what I asked him to do. I gave him a lap around the house for saying "But Mom…." When he was finished with his lap, he came to the door and exclaimed again, "But Mom…." He got another lap. Finally after several laps, his sisters told him to just be quiet, but he didn’t give it up for quite a while. I’m sure our neighbors couldn’t figure out what was going on at our house. Firm dis-cipline and follow-through has sometimes been necessary to mold our beloved son to faith and obedi-ence, but it is worth it. I am thankful to a member of our fellowship for showing me how to administer firm discipline to him when he was a young child.

That was years ago, and today our 16-year-old David has made a faith stand that his grandfather will be saved. He is especially thankful when an interesting spiritual conversation occurs with his grandfather and us. He also realizes that he is a container of Christ, a light, to his high school friends and knows that obedience is the way to go. He, of course, knows tough consequences follow if obedi-ence isn’t the way he chooses.

As for everyone else in the world that I know, God has them in my life-really His life for His purposes (Galatians 2:20). My concern is no longer about how I compare to them. It is now about, do they know Jesus and how can they be reached? Or with those who are already Christians, how can I get the Total Truth across to them? Identifying with them inside and verbally in some way is usually the start, then establishing the start of a relationship if possible; sometimes I speak to them about my life or my opinions. Along the way, I may feel hurt by them or feel like I don’t like them. I remind myself that Jesus Christ is Love to them and there is no "I" that is anything, just He. Often it doesn’t look like much is happening, but I continue trusting that His spirit and His perfect love is flowing through me to the person I am with. And He is love to the person I am with-every person.

Yes, Christ is the substance, the reality, the life flowing like a river through us to others. It is the result, though a pretty small part in the equation, of our daily, moment by moment faith that we are merely con-tainers, branches, bodies of Him. We are thankful for the continued loving direction and correction, when need-ed from Christ indwelt members of our fellowship.