My Dark Hidden Secret
My name is not important to what I am about to say, for there are many who can put themselves in my place.
I have watched many talk shows concerning the subjects of gays, lesbians, homosexuals, etc., and I find myself sitting there in their place. Some of them were expressing that they had feelings of being homosexual as a child. I can somewhat identify with them.
I grew up with one brother. We played together all the time. My mother bought me dolls, and other so-called girl toys for Christmas and I enjoyed playing with them. But I also enjoyed playing with my brother’s cars, trucks, etc. I climbed trees and did practically everything he did. To me, this was a normal childhood. I was just a tomboy. I rarely ever had the opportunity to play with girls because most of my cousins, that lived close to me that I could play with, were boys. I never felt that there was anything different about me compared to any other little girl. I was just being a child enjoying the things I was doing, which to me wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t until I got in school (and at what age these feelings became apparent I don’t know) that I did recognize that I liked girls as well as boys.
I never discussed those feelings with anyone, not even my mother. What I was feeling, I kept to myself. I liked boys, too, so it wasn’t hard to hide what I felt.
Society says that people choose to be that way. Most of the gays, lesbians, etc. on TV say they can’t help the way they feel, and that the feelings are real. I agree that the feelings are very real. The fact is that "feelings" are exclusively a part of the soul. We cannot govern our life according to how we feel, especially, wrong negative feelings, because they are part of that Satanic outlook that Jesus took to the grave. A person may feel the urge to commit adultery, or they may feel like killing someone for some wrong caused to them. Our feelings are at times very strong, but they have to be dealt with.
So despite how we feel, we do have a choice. There are many girls and boys who grew up with opposite siblings and perhaps had some feminine or masculine qualities, but never experienced an attraction for the same sex. Then there are those who are brought up similiarly who do experience attraction for the same sex. So what’s the difference? I believe we make an unconscious choice, accepting these feelings. In other words, we are not aware of this choice. We believe that this is just the way it is and that the choice has been made for us.
The only way I know to overcome this problem is through Jesus Christ. I am not saying just accept Him as your personal savior and the problem will go away. The problem does not just go away. The reason so many Christians are in various bondages is because of lack of spiritual knowledge. Spiritual knowledge has been the key to my freedom.
When I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior the thoughts and feelings of being homosexual were still there. But because of a teaching ministry, constantly being taught God’s word, reading literature of great men and women of God, sisters and brothers in Christ being wonderful examples, and most important applying those great principles and teachings, I got help. It was a long and painful road and it didn’t have to be. Only God knows why.
The Process of Recovery Begins:
One day a wonderful sister at my church, whom I have grown to love, visited me in my home. While we were talking about different things, the subject of homosexuality came up. As she continued to talk, I began to cry uncontrollably. To my amazement, I told her my dark hidden secret. I was nearly forty years old and hadn’t shared this secret with anyone but God. Yet I felt that I could trust her because of the bond of the love of Christ we shared. I was right, I could trust her to keep this secret. After I told her, however, I thought perhaps our friendship eventually would end, but thank God it didn’t, because the road to victory lay ahead and she was a vital part of the recovery process. Even as we talked about it many times, the feelings and thoughts were still there and I had to confess to her that I had those thoughts and feelings towards her.
She told me not to believe Satan’s lie and that I was not a homosexual. Satan kept telling me I was a homosexual even after I was saved, and I believed his lie. Praise Jesus, my sister kept telling me who I was in Christ, and after many talks, I began to believe her.
One of the scriptures that began to bless me was II Cor. 10:4-5, "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds; casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bring into captivity those thoughts to the obedience of Christ."
As the thoughts and imaginations would come I would continue to resist Satan’s lie. Resisting Satan’s lie was not a one time thing. It was something I had to do on a daily basis whenever those thoughts and imaginations would arise. People should try very hard not to get discouraged when wrong thoughts occur. This is Satan’s way of deceiving us, through our minds. It is his greatest weapon. "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7). When the devil knows he can’t make you believe a particular lie about yourself, he will leave you alone. But when you are not sure about yourself, he will be back to attack you with that same lie.
When he tempted Jesus in the wilderness, Jesus quoted the word. The devil couldn’t deceive Jesus because Jesus knew what the word said. The word of God is our greatest weapon when we believe it by faith.
Then the time came when I was rarely bothered by the thoughts. And now they are no problem to me. But there still was the existence of another problem. It was the one of feelings. The thoughts and imaginations were one thing, but how do you stop the feelings?
My sister would always like to greet me with a hug, as she did with practically everyone she met, because she was a warm and affectionate Christian who dearly loves people. I had to confess to her that even though there wasn’t a problem with the thoughts and imagination toward her anymore, the feelings were still present.
Those sexual feelings you have when your husband touches you and you get sexually excited, that’s what I felt. I was so ashamed confessing all these things to her. She kept encouraging me from the word of God that greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world (I John 4:4). But even after her love, understanding and encouragement, I was still in bondage to those feelings.
One day as I was reading, Yes I Am by Norman Grubb, I came to the blessed chapter–"Speaking the Word of Faith." As I continued to read through page 195, praise Jesus, the answer was provided. Despite this thorn in my flesh. I knew I had a union relationship with Christ. I knew with-out a doubt that I had been born again. So the next thing that I had to do was speak the word of faith concerning those feelings. Having the mind of Christ, I spoke the word of faith asking Him not to let me have those sexual feelings toward my sister or any other sister. The Holy Spirit moved into action. I claimed deliverance right then. "Whatsoever things ye desire when you pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have then" (Mark 11:24). As Norman Grubb said with great emphasis, "not doubting." "Don’t allow those mental soul doubts to disturb our fixed, inner word of faith."
I held on to that fixed word of faith for dear life and never allowed doubt to set in. The wonderful thing is that God has brought me to this new level of faith. Some of the things we need to help us grow spiritually are available right now. All we have to do is speak the word of faith and start walking in what we have asked for, not doubting, regardless of how things may appear.
I praise Jesus Christ for this victory that He has given me. I have this wonderful union relationship with Him. I am perfect in Him by faith. I have shared this article not only for homosexuals, etc. It is for anyone who believes wrongly about themselves, contrary to what God is saying about us. The only way Satan can hurt us is if we believe his lies. We must believe God and what He has said about us. I am the light of the world; I am a priest; I am holy; I am more than a conqueror through Him.
I would like to dedicate this article to my sister who has been instrumental in helping me. She truly has been a vessel to His glory and honour. She has patiently stood by me through many tears as I agonized with this problem. She has been a great example of what Christ is like. She never criticized me. Neither did she tell me, "How could I think like that being a Christian?" She lovingly helped me through, constantly pointing to Christ. She was only a container. He is the true source of everything.
I would like to quote from J. C. Brumfield’s book, Comfort for Troubled Christians, as he elaborates on Malachi 3:3, "And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
"You see, He knows when the work is done. Here we have the key to the entire finishing process. Sometimes we might think the fire too long, that instead of purifying it will destroy. You say, ‘How does the refiner know when the fire has done its perfect work?’ An old refiner was asked that question by a visitor. He answered, ‘See how I sit by the fire?’ The Stranger answered, ‘yes.’ Then he said, ‘See how I bend over the pot?’ Again the Stranger said, ‘yes,’ but how do you know when there has been just the right amount of heat?’ The old refiner looked up and said, ‘when I see my own reflection."’
Jesus is the refiner and the work is complete when He can see His own reflection. Praise Jesus!
More Articles from The Intercessor, Vol 11 No 3
- The Deep Things of God
- Editor’s Note
- Moments with Meryl
- Annual Business Meeting
- The Single Eye
- Prayer Without Works
- The Letter to the Romans
- Birmingham Fellowship Weekend
- British Easter Conference
- Questions & Answers
- My Dark Hidden Secret
- New Light on the Twelve Steps
- God’s Promises
- A Look at a Book
- The Mailbox
- Tape Talk
- Words to Live By