Another Moment with Meryl
by Meryl Langley

The last time my testimony appeared in The Intercessor was after I had confessed sin in my life; Jo, our daughter, had returned to God and her family, we had moved into a new home and Jon, our son, had gone over to Boone, having been given an opportunity of a lifetime. It appeared everything was fine and dandy. Well, it wasn’t and I knew it wasn’t; my life was not right, I knew I was a fraud (phony). I paid lip service to the fact that Jesus Christ was living His life through me, when all the time I was harbouring mean and resentful judgements against folks and I was MISERABLE in the process. As Jeremiah says in chapter 17 verses 9 and 10: “the human heart is most deceitful and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I know! I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine the secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”

I wanted people to think I was a fine Christian; honest, respectable, sweet and kind, trustworthy and reliable. Although I would have admitted I was a sinner, I didn’t put myself in the category of other sinners. After all, I didn’t commit adultery, I didn’t steal, I wasn’t a sex addict or an alcoholic; I didn’t do drugs or beat my children—all worse sins than mine in my book. Well, as the scripture quoted says, God knew differently and He, through folks who have known me for many years, began to expose those dark and secret motives that I wilfully refused to admit about myself. I thought I was SOMEBODY; I was superior to almost everyone, I was the great Meryl Langley. During that time I remember once asking God to deal with my pride: He took me at my word and was doing just that.

I was at a point where I was feeling very sorry for myself: running the home, keeping an eye on Jo (yet still not disciplining her in the way I knew I should) and working full time. Doing chores seemed to be my lot in life. Even taking out the trash, picking up around the home and feeding our tiny little dog were major projects! I was always tired, never had any energy and generally felt bitched at everyone. When some friends tried to help me see things differently, I insisted on holding on to my view (I knew best, no one was going to tell me what to do) and I judged them for daring to suggest differently. Did I tell them that? Of course not, that’s not nice, but that is just one example of the real condition of my heart at that time. What a liar and a hypocrite I was.

I am ashamed to say that I wilfully continued choosing this way of living, corrupting our fellowship. As Scripture says, “a little leaven leavens the whole lump” (Gal. 5:9).

It was during the Fall of 2000 I finally admitted to others, but really to myself, what my real heart attitude was: “I’m above reproach, nobody is going to tell me what to do. Why can’t you see how hard I try?” And that was just the beginning. I eventually looked at the facts and, again, admitted to myself and others that I believed I was superior. I was condescending, prideful, self-righteous, full of hate, negative and took great pleasure in justifying the reasons for these sins! For example, when I received really generous gifts from some friends for our home, what was my reaction? I showed no gratitude whatsoever, and even found small things to criticise. I pretended the gifts were not what I would have chosen and acted disgusted about it in order to be mean. This is yet another incident of many where I had been cruel to those who really cared for me; I preferred to remain in my small and narrow-minded, everdecreasing circle of life, not willing to expand and embrace new ideas; certainly not to be transformed by the renewing of my mind as Romans 12:2 commands.

It wasn’t too long before I was at my wits’ end and finally asked for help. Previously I had thought I should be able to handle every situation MYSELF; what would folks think of me if I admitted to not knowing certain things (there’s that PRIDE). So from here I appeared to make progress; but I really knew I still wasn’t right. There was one area that was not resolved and I knew it, but still chose to say nothing.

At Summer Camp last year, I referred to this one area, which incidentally happened 10 years ago. It seemed strange that I brought up this situation since any time anyone else referred to it, I hated them and judged them for doing so. I now know that God Himself was bringing this up again and again (faithfully searching my heart—Jer. 17:10) until I chose to be honest and tell the truth exactly as it was. This time I did, but only after one more temper tantrum when I tried to blame someone else. In so doing, all I really did was to bring shame and humiliation on myself.

This is what happened 10 years ago: I had been shown God’s way of disciplining our son, but I thought I knew best. I was prepared to discipline Jon more, but not up to God’s standard. A friend of mine was in exactly the same position with her son and I refused to volunteer my experience to help her and her son. I did not have my son’s, nor my friend’s son’s best interests at heart, yet I kidded myself I was such a good mother. Can you believe the hypocrisy? Yet in retrospect, my whole life was nothing more than a sham.

In the process of all this, I lied, betrayed one friend who had spiritually “saved my life” and did nothing to help my friend in need. I refused to fight for these sons who needed rescuing and today I have the consequences of my choices. So this was what I confessed to the Body of Christ at Camp last year. I repented, changed my mind and turned from my sin. Everyone knew it was real and I was forgiven and restored to God and my spirit family. “O what happiness for the man whose sins are forgiven!” (Psalm 32). Jesus Christ died to forgive sins, not excuses, and His blood had cleansed me, Meryl Langley.

I cannot begin to tell you what it is like to be REALLY clean. Having tasted to the dregs what it was like choosing Satan (believing that it’s JUST ME), boy, was I ready to really trust Jesus Christ to handle me, live through my vessel and live spontaneously! I love the freedom from the bondage that I refused to admit that I had chosen. I love being a real person— free to express how I feel, what I think, and still know that I am OK— because Jesus Christ in Meryl form is who I really am.

Earlier, I made reference to the fact that in relation to Jon, I now have the consequences of my choice. Ten years ago (no co-incidence) my son started on the road to a very serious addiction. Only last year, at the height of my sin, Jon fled from the States, refusing to deal with his sin and get help. Today he is living in blatant Biblical sin and believes he is untouchable and indestructible (his words). However, God has promised to return my children from the distant land of the enemy (Jer. 31:16) and now I KNOW that as of this moment, I am a clean vessel for Christ to flow through. I am standing, believing that God will fulfill his word and our prodigal son will one day come to his senses. He will know that he has sinned against his Father in heaven and get up and return to his family, Zerubbabel (Luke 15:17). I believe that my sin helped to keep Jon where he was for 10 years and now I am healed and forgiven, this too, will have an unseen effect on our son.

Oh how I wish I could turn the clock back and make different choices, but I can’t. I hate how I treated Jesus Christ in so many forms. However, I have to walk through the consequences of those choices and Scripture tells me that God will restore the years that the locust has eaten (Joel 2:25). Certainly if the last 6 months are anything to go by, I can boldly declare that God is fulfilling his promise.

Meryl is Zerubbabel contact from Northampton, England and lives with her husband Jim. She is secretary to the Director of the Center for Health Care Education at University College Northampton.