Moments with Meryl
by Meryl Langley

My first thought on hearing my mother had died was one of relief. However, I soon found myself crying and feeling guilty because of that. I knew I had to tell Dad and the rest of the family. "I just don’t want to do this, but there is no one else, God must mean Christ/me to perform this task." It seemed so inappropriate that we grieved and cried, when Mum was the cause of so much strife in our immediate family.

In the days that followed, there were so many arrangements to be taken care of, what to do after a death? I had no idea and felt totally inadequate. First things first:
I knew Christ would know what to do, therefore so did I. I asked at the hospital what was the first step. Thereafter, my learning what to do was literally one step at a time until everything was completed.

When it was finally all over, I got time to ponder on my grief, but what was my grief? From Mum I had learned a right set of values and behaviour, for which I am very grateful. She loved in the way she thought best, but I grieved over the relationship I wanted, but never had with her.

While Mum was still living at home, before her falls and subsequent confusion, I spoke with her about her relationship with God. Although her response was negative to say the least, I reminded her of her acceptance of Christ as Saviour some years previous
ly, together with scriptures like John 3:16. And Mum agreed to consider what we had shared. Thankfully, I also took the opportunity of telling her I was no longer allowing her to control my life and that I was sorry for letting her do so up until the present. From now on, this area of my life would be Christ controlled.

During Mum’s final weeks alive, I made several attempts to talk to her about the things of God, seemingly without success. I realised I felt in need of assurance that Mum was not in hell, and to listen to the vicar at the funeral service, that was certainly what he was saying. I grew sick of everyone saying her suffering was now over, because was it? I came to see it didn’t matter what I felt. This side of the grave, I was never going to know where Mum was. "Well, Meryl, you can be sure of this: everything that’s happened, God meant to be; it was no mistake, so what are you going to say? Even if Mum is right now separated from God in hell, she was given a choice. I know God is a God of love (God is love), justice and truth." In this I found my consolation. Now I choose to let go of all Satan’s attempts to move me from believing who I am in this respect, and from the position of rest that believing brings about.