Colette’s Job
by Colette Varanouskas

Losing my job was one of the best things that ever happened to me. As a single mom with a three year old and a mortgage and all of the other responsibilities I have, most people would be checkin my temperature after such a statement to make sure I didn’t have some kind of delerium.

Let me back up a little. I have been a nurse for 15 years. I have always done a good job; I have been dedicated, loyal, diligent, etc. My bosses have thought me valuable and my work reviews have always been exemplary. But something was always misisng. I would watch other nurses’ eyes glow when they discussed some new drug or treatment, and know that my heart was not in it in the same way. Always, I would ask myself, What’s wrong with me?

I remember a few years ago, I had a conversation with a friend who is in the food buisness, and watched with envy as his face lit up when he talked about a food product he was working on.

I relized that what I was misisng was a passion for what I spent the majority of my waking moments doing. I distinctly remember thinking, Tirty-two more years to retirement..what will I do and how can I make myself feel about i how others feel about their work? I so much wanted to have the same passion but found that I could not work it up, nor did I have the desire to. The night after that conversation, I felt that the only option for me was to continue in the career that I was in…after all, I knew it well, and it provided for our needs.

The very next day, God gave me the beinniings of an answer that would change my life. Page Prewitt has been up in New York for our fall conference and had stayed in my apartment for the weekend. Page said emphatically to me "Coletter, you need to stop what you are doing and go into interior design." Of course she did not mean for me to run out and quit my job, but she was excited about the natural instincts in me that enabled me to decorate my apartment the way I had. She encouraged me in finding a way to make a career transition. As soon as she said this to me, I thought THAT’S IT! I felt like the round peg had finally found its way to the round hole. I have always had some measure of God-given raw artistic talent, but coming form parents who neither found it practical to pursue the arts, nor had an appreciation for them, my pursuit of art was restrained and purely for enjoyment in whatever spare time I had. Here it was–God opening a door in my mind to pursue a career in something that I would love and be able to be excited about. I had thoughts of Does God relaly care about decorating? After all, it’s just STUFF. Is there any real value in this? As I thought about it, it occurred to me that God is the best decorator there is–just look around at His creation. His designs are awesome, with attention to the minutest detail. I was sold. So to make a long story not so long–for the past two years, I have been studying Interior Design at home through a correpondence course and have done very well. I did not know if or when I would use my new knowledge and skills, and I found myself procrastinating finishing the course because I was not sure where to go with it. Well, let me tell you, God has had a plan all along, and losoing my job has been the beinning of its unfolding.

When I got the news that the company I was working for was downsizing and that my entire department was affected, I felt the usual: disappointment, anxiety, sadness. But on learning that I had a six-month severance package, I began to rest on my laurels, not taking the situation as seriously as I should have. I thought I have six months, I’m a nurse…no problem. Finding a job will be a snap–just as soon as I take the summer off! I made half-hearted attempts at job searching. When I did have an opportunity to go on a second interview with one company, I turned it down with the excuse that the benefits were lousy. (They really were, but I did not even give myself the opportunity to negotiate.) A few of my close friends picked up on this lackadaisical attitude and were kind enough to bring it to my attention. I believe I was quite bratty in trying to defend myself, but the root of it all was that I was afraid that if I went on the second interview for this job, they would offer it to me!! Strange thing to be afraid of? For those who know me and have read previous things I have written, it wouldn’t be too much of a surprise. I felt underqualified for this position, wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted, the benefits were poor, and I had six months off. For me, it stacked up on the "no" column. Most of these issues were really peripheral though; at the heart of it was how I saw myself…and isn’t that where we always get mucked up? Rather than see the potential because of Christ’s life in me, I was focused on my shortcomings and limitations, based on my perception of myself. Of course, what I did not see was that most of those limitations had been self-imposed because I lived from fear and unbelief. My "self" confidence was zip and rather than speak the truth, I was slipping (twice I typed slopping…maybe that’s a better word!!) back into the same pattemcutting myself off from God’s opportunities. After a very frustrating conversation (hard to say who was more frustrated-me in my "dug-in" stubborn view, or they in their rescue attempt). I went to bed, with a very deep sense that this was much more serious than just about whether I went for a second interview. When I woke the next morning, it was very clear to me that this was really about God wanting to do His work through me, wherever He wanted to do it, and I was putting limits, not on myself, but on God. Very serious. I had not counted on Christ in me to be "right for the part" wherever he placed me. Instead, I was seeing myself as an independent, inadequate self. I saw that the consequences for continuing in this were grave. With every situation where I believed a lie about myself, Satan took the opportunity to take me out of commission, and the flow of the life and light of Christ was temporarily made unavailable to those He would have been in contact with through me, had I been in right believing. At that moment, a big No! rose up inside myself. I knew that this could never happen again. Satan was about to take me down that old familiar road, and others with me. But God, by His grace, gave me the opportunity to make a choice. I chose to say, I will not stand for it again. Suddenly, I was willing to do anything–go on any interview, take any job, trusting God to provide clear guidance and direction.

Shortly after this, I was having a conversation with someone at our annual business meeting about the Interior Design. I told her that I felt stuck and did not know how to proceed. I had been asking myself if it was really a "pipe dream" or was it really realistic for me to change gears at this point in my life. Did "I" really have what it took to make a living at it? So many questions and so little trust! As we talked, I realized what was happening, and I applied everything in the previous paragraph to this too. I dared to believe that if God had brought me this far, that it wasn’t for nothing. I made a promise to myself to finish my course work and trust that God would provide the next step when it was time.

Since then, so much has happened that I think I could write a book. I managed to get myself back on track for that second interview, and was indeed offered a position. I was about to accept it, when circumstances made me do an about face. I was strongly encouraged by our fellowship to consider starting an interior design business, and by God’s hand, funds became available to make it a tangible reality. I have since moved full steam ahead in it…networking, studying, and doing what it takes to begin a small business. I have been in situations that I would have shied away from even two months ago, trusting God to provide the courage for every step that feels unfamiliar and scary. I have managed to get myself an apprenticeship with a well known NYC designer who is world travelled and can more than teach me what I need to know to get started. (That is a whole ‘nother story in itself!!) I keep thinking I don’t deserve this. And that’s the truth. It brings me back to the facts. God has a world out there that He wants to reach. His fiery passion lives in me for others no matter what walk of life He has me go down. It’s not about what I deserve, or getting to do something that I love. It is His desire in me, and by my daring to believe in His life and sufficiency that it is able to be released and touch those in this world that need Him so desperately. That is my real heartbeat and passion, above all else.