Joanna’s Return, Area Fellowship News
by Joanna Langley

"For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against Thee, Thee only, I have sinned, and done what is evil in Thy sight…. Create in me a clean heart, 0 God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me…. Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit…. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, 0 God, Thou wilt not despise."
-Ps. 51:3, 4, 10, 12, 17

Last summer I turned my back on God and what He had revealed to me of His truth up until that point. As a result of not talking about my feelings and not dealing with sin in my life, Satan took me where I never thought I would go. The sad thing being, I gave him the power to do this, simply by believing his lies, that I was an independent person. Just like one extremely tempting piece of chocolate leads to another, one bad choice led to another, and then another until Satan had such a grip that I was like a radio-controlled car. I had given Satan the controls for him to do with me whatever he wanted. Although it might have felt like ‘I’ was driving the car, making such decisions as which night-club shall I go to tonight, or how much shall I drink, it was really Satan making those decisions.

I had no idea when I left, how huge an impact my selfish behaviour would have on everyone I knew up to that point and everyone I would meet from that point on. Needless to say my family, (blood and spiritual) were shocked, hurt and angry, to come home to a note one day saying I had left No explanation, nothing. A kick in the face to say the least!!

Attempts to bring me back or talk me round were unsuccessful at that time. I was hell bent on doing what ‘I’ wanted to do, no matter the cost. I knew this meant giving up my family, friends, home comforts and driving privileges, but all I could think about was the so called freedom I would be gaining. It only took twenty-four hours before I was smoking again, and the night after I had left I was drunk. You can imagine my lifestyle ten months into my sin if this was me after just one day.

For a while I honestly thought I was having fun. Going out whenever and wherever I wanted, coming back at whatever time I liked, no accountability whatsoever. This ‘freedom’ FELT so good I went wild and threw money away on going out, drinking, smoking, clothes etc. etc. Before long I had to get another job working in a bar three nights a week to support my extravagant living. As well as working thirty-seven hours a week, I was also attending college full time. My college attendance went downhill. When I did attend, I fell asleep in lectures, and was no longer interested in being there. Before long I quit. My living situation started to turn sour also. Living with my assistant manager and her fiance was not very much fun, and so I moved into a house with two other students in the centre of town. This seemed ideal, two other girls with the same lifestyle as me, close to work, bars and clubs. I was bound to be happy here-yeah right!!

Time passed quickly. I was working full time, and still working at the bar as well. We went out at least once or twice a week, getting drunk most nights. When I think of all I did, it is obvious to me now I was trying to find something to fill the gap that only God can fill. I used guys to make me feel good but that would always end up backfiring in my face. An endless run of bad experiences with guys left me feeling totally exasperated…until the next time! I would try again thinking this time it will work-I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you it didn’t!

January 1 began with an horrendous hangover, getting my shifts mixed up at the pub and turning up late for work. This seemed to be the first of a long line of things that went wrong. I was also hating my other full time job and put a good deal of time and effort into applying for numerous jobs, with not one success! On the 1st February my boyfriend and I split up. After making him into my ‘substitute family’ and then losing him, I felt like I wanted to die. Around March I got fired from the pub. My money situation by this time was desperate, and I had to resort to borrowing money from friends. At one point I was four months behind with my rent! However, this still didn’t stop me going out and getting drunk. If nothing else it served as a way to escape from my horrendous situation.

Throughout this time I tried to block out thoughts of my family and friends, and how I had hurt them. It was too painful to think about, and I got pretty good at this. However, there were times when God just wouldn’t let me forget. One instance that stands out in my mind is when I was ill with tonsillitis for a couple of weeks. I was desperate for my mum to look after me–you know how good mothers are when you’re ill! My housemates’ lack of sympathy and care made me miss her more. "Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow. Those who live only to satisfy their sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit" (Gal 6:7-8).

Around April I started to think about the English Easter conference I was missing. For the first time since leaving, I started to contemplate what it would be like if I went back. Would anyone want me back? Would they be mad with me? I would allow myself to think about it just now and again but continued in my sin, not quite beaten up enough to come back to what I knew was the truth.

The weekend of my return was a pretty typical weekend for me. I worked on Saturday and went out Saturday night. On the Sunday my housemate and I went to an all day bbq and were drinking from 1 pm to 9 pm, when we made our way to the pub to meet up with friends and to drink more! We later returned to the house, and the party continued. I had met a guy in the pub, and he had come back to the house. We were getting on well, and he walked me back to my house–following twelve hours of drinking! To cut a long story short, the guy turned out to have been dishonest with me about his intentions, and I asked him to leave. Being pretty drunk, I got upset and was crying, and he said he wouldn’t leave me while I was upset. He kept saying he wouldn’t leave and said HE would feel bad if he left me in that state. At that point the lights came on for me. His concern for himself and how he would feel were like alarm bells in my head. I finally saw it–all he really cared about was himself. I think I remember pushing him out the door and bursting into tears. I finally realised that the only person who really cares about me is God. Despite realising this, I phoned my ex-boyfriend who I still missed. He didn’t care for me either, and so I hung up and sat on the floor in my room, feeling incredibly alone and struggling to breathe through my sobbing. I realised I had no one, and was really quite miserable in my ‘freedom.’ Life was not working! All I could think to do was to phone my mum, and so at 3 am May 3rd 1999, ten months after leaving, I phoned my mum.

The events following this phone call are quite incredible and would take many more pages to describe. However, I will say that God was undoubtedly at work that night, and he worked out the tiniest of details to bring me back to Him.

The following day I was reunited with the rest of my family (Dad, Jon, Faye and Kim), which was extremely emotional. As we talked, I began to see the effects my choices had on everyone. I am continuing to see this still some weeks after my return. I knew what was to follow would not be easy, cleaning up my sin and making amends to everyone I had hurt, not to mention the addictions, debts and consequences of my sin I was left to face. But through Christ all things are possible and by affirming in every moment that I am Christ living, He will take care of this.

God has shown me so much since I have returned, most of which has felt hard. But I can now be free from the conflicting desires of my soul: "The spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as He raised Christ from the dead, He will give life to your mortal body by this same spirit living within you. So dear Christian friends, you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you keep on following it you will perish. But if through the power of the Holy Spirit you turn from it and its evil deeds you will live. For all who are led by the spirit of God are children of God" (Romans 8:11-14).

I am also learning more about the importance of obedience and discipline, specifically in choosing Spirit over soul feelings. Since my return the conflicts between soul and spirit have seemed greater than ever before, and I know these are consequences I have brought upon myself. However, I am also grateful for these conflicts. Every single time I choose not to go with them, but to speak the truth about them, I become stronger in who I am, and God honours me: "When you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey him with all your heart and with all your soul, according to everything I command you today, then the Lord your God will restore your for-tunes and have compassion on you" (Deuteronomy 30:2-3).