Faith Swallows Up Doubt
by Anonymous

This last year it has felt like I have walked through the most difficult spiritual battle that I have ever had to face in all the 43 years since first becoming a Christian. I have felt split in two and eaten up with anger, resentment and fear. The reason for this is not the point, the point is, what did I do about it and how did I come through it.

Everywhere I looked to try and escape this situation only added to my black hole of darkness. I began to feel hate for the people I loved the most, and I felt alone and isolated everywhere I looked. I delved into scripture, I underlined everything I came across that supported what I believe of this total truth, I underlined everything I came across that looked as if it contradicted this total truth.

The agony got worse, I felt constantly torn in two. I pleaded with God on a daily basis to give me clarity, to make things clear, to show me whether I was crazy or whether everywhere I looked was crazy. He did not. Not a squeak, not a whisper. Silence and emptiness. Why? I was pressed into believing who I was in a new way.

In other words I was pressed to make a choice as to what was I going to believe about myself. I was pressed to look within and start taking responsibility for myself and my actions or non-action. I could not blame another person, I could not blame God. Where had I failed, where had I messed up? What could I do to change things? God showed me clearly that I could do nothing other than believe who I was and take responsibility for myself.

When I looked at the situation I was in I did not know whether God was trying to get me to see something or whether Satan was trying to annihilate me from the scene altogether. In the past I have not had particular difficulty in discerning a Christ or Satan thing. This time was different. I was having to walk in naked faith with no evidence that satisfied me. I did not like this at all on a feeling level. I like to have everything tied up and worked out.

As I continued to press on, living only in the reality of the present moment, not past nor future, things began to turn around.

I began to see that rather than take a step of faith and launch out into the unknown and take a risk, I stayed in the familiar pattern of resentment and fear rather than dealing with the situation.

Seeing my responsibility of not acting from who I was as a Christ person showed me that even if someone had drained the very blood out of my veins, it would still be my responsibility as to how I responded to that.

I cannot blame another person for my situation in any circumstance. All I can say is what am I going to do here and now; the past is gone, the future is yet to come. And yes I do sometimes have moments of fear when I think of what might be asked of me in the future, but this gives me yet another opportunity to state Christ’s total sufficiency in me and through me in spite of what I’m feeling. Praise God.

London, England