An Awesome God
by Christina Duncan

God is truly an awesome God. Not only because he created and maintains the immeasurable universe, but because he is also in the detail of life and uses that in our walk with Him.

Fifteen months ago, God used this detail to expose a great deal of sin in my life: I made a critical statement about a meal a friend had bought me which was really only the tip of the iceberg of a festering pit of pride, resentment and malice which lay in my heart.

When I first accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour, I was desperate to find the answer to my life. A dysfunctional childhood had left me a wreck of a person, plagued by neuroses and addictions, with no hope of putting myself back together. I had tried every-thing I knew and nothing worked. Then I became a Christian and learned that there was no independent me who could be better, that before salvation I was joined to Satan, and now I was joined to Jesus Christ who would live His life through me if I confessed my sin and trusted Him. I did, and over a period of years was ‘transformed by the renewing of my mind" (Rom 12:2). I knew I was free from my old demons and was a whole person for the first time in my life. Therein lay the danger for me, because I became prideful and took Christ’s glory for myself. ‘I’ was the one who was now capable and confident. I was studying for a masters degree, and as a manager in a small company, I had a responsible job within the organization but blew it all out of proportion. You would have thought I was the president of IBM! I magnified myself beyond belief and saw myself as superior to everyone. ‘I’ was ‘top dog’… "I will make myself like the Most High." (Is 14:14)

In October 1999, through my criticism of that meal, God exposed my sin and, to my shame, there was neither brokenness nor repentance. I was arrogant. I lied and fought ‘tooth and nail’ to hold onto my view of myself because it meant everything to me (idolatry). I did this for 8 months while God through His faithful vessels tried to break me free from the hold Satan had on my life. I did confess sin during that time but not the nub of it. I had resentment in my heart and justified it to myself with imagined hurts (against a lot of evidence to the contrary) then maliciously retaliated against the friend who had bought the meal.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom. 5:8) While I was still sinning against her, my friend (Jesus Christ in his vessel) crossed the ocean specifically to rescue me. I knew that what was coming out of her was love and concern and that what was coming out of me was mean, vicious and hateful. I finally gave up my right to fight, confessed my sin and acknowledged that everything I am and have comes from God. I also know that we are all the ‘top dog’ because Jesus is the top dog in us. Praise God.