My Story
by Anonymous

I became a Christian as a child at a Billy Graham crusade. This was a momentous event in my life. It was when I made a decision to take Christ as my Savior. (I was young and did not know about the principle of Christ as my operator at that time.) I was reared in a home where the names of God and Jesus Christ were paramount. My family attended Sunday school and church every Sunday. I sang in the choir on Sunday evenings and went to Bible study during the week after school. My mother taught a large Sunday school class on Sunday mornings–it was very popular and many people got saved. She also taught a woman’s class on Monday mornings and would be a guest speaker at conferences and Christian retreats around the south. She also counseled many people on one–to–one basis. It was a Bible–centered environment and missionaries were in and out of our house. The next big event in my life was the death of my father. I had just begun the ninth grade; he died on the 19th of September– I was fourteen years old. Shortly thereafter, three and one half months to be exact, I went away to boarding school in Memphis, Tennessee. I had a desire for adventure. What I know now is I never felt like I fit anywhere and I was always looking for the next person or place to fill the empty void inside. Physically I felt very unattractive–I was tall and to my mind over–sized and far from what I thought attractive was. After all, it was the six ties and the time of Twiggy and Yardley slickers. My second year at boarding school my mom decided to leave our home in the south and head to Arizona. She told me I could stay at boarding school or move with her. Being only fifteen, I did not want to be so far away from my mom and thought it would be an adventure to move to Arizona–in actuality, it was very lonely–a new place–a new school–new people. I spent a lot of time alone and a lot of time with my mother. I went to a private school when I moved there. It was very close–knit and I switched schools to a big public school the next year–which was my senior year. It was there I met a teacher that influenced where I went to college and a very good girlfriend whom I stayed close to for years to come. So during a two year period of my adolescent years, three major occurrences took place: my father died, I went to boarding school and my mother and I moved to the west. My two brothers remained in the south, one recently had married and the other was in college. When my mother and I moved, we joined a church, but it was not long thereafter that we stopped going to church. This was new since I was used to my mother being active in the church, teaching numerous classes and counseling people and all of a sudden, it came to a stop. What I know now and did not know then was that she was having an affair which had started a year prior to my father’s death. I am sure there must have been a lot of inner conflict within her. She had been teaching the Christian life and walking from the world. A year later, with Christ very much in the background of my life, I went off to college in Washington state–another big move and miles away from family and home. I thought it was cool to be miles away from home. I now see that as a warped perception, but somehow I thought it made me special and different. During my freshman year, my mother’s affair came to an end. She met another man and was married before I came home at the end of the school year. I did not know she had gotten married, nor was intending or planning on getting married until after the fact. This new marriage was painful for me. I was used to spending a lot of time with only my mother. Now a stranger had moved in during my absence. I never did get used to having him in the household, so consequently, I spent as little time there as possible. During my early teenage and college years, I was always searching for the meaning of life and why people did what they did. Both were a mystery to me. To find some answers, I got heavily involved in existentialism, psychology and eastern belief systems. Then I “fell in love” with a boy who was a Baha’i (an eastern cult). I was a junior in college. I had never dated and didn’t know anything about being in a relationship. I had turned my back on my Christian belief system, that didn’t appear to have any answers, and then I ended up with a religious fanatic–a Baha’i–who was heavily into the law. The irony of it all. It was a tumultuous relationship and a year later, it came to an end when he became involved with a woman ten years his senior. He ended up marrying this woman–another Baha’i. The demise of this relationship was very painful; it was a big loss for me. The feeling of belonging to someone had been satisfying, and the rejection by that someone was very painful. I could not figure out why someone who professed to be so “in love” with me could dump me for someone else within a month’s time. It made no sense to me. I felt devastated and it took me years to get him out of my mind. All the pain due to loss and rejection in my life pushed me to “be something.” I felt I didn’t have anything–my father was dead, the family had dissipated, my mother’s affection was for a new husband, I had no boyfriends. What I didn’t know was that Jesus Christ could fill the void. Also something I failed to discuss above was that the woman my boyfriend had gotten involved with was pretty and petite … this didn’t help any with my feelings of being unattractive, much less my feelings of loneliness. So after college, I set out to become something, thinking that would be the answer. In my early twenties I was working in a resort as a waitress. I had a college education and I thought being a waitress wasn’t good enough, but I liked the hotel business and wanted to remain in that field. I liked all the people I worked with, but I had a lot of conflict with the job I held. I felt it did not have enough “status.” (What I know now is that who I am is not dependent on what I do.) So I took classes at the local university, worked hard and started pursuing getting into Cornell University, the #1 school in the country for hotel and restaurant. During the next few years, I went back to school, got my master’s degree and became a career woman with a good job. I saw very little of my mother during this time and even less of my two brothers. And in some strange way, I took pride in being independent. I guess it was a coping mechanism for feeling like I didn’t have a family. During this time, I had another relationship with a man. It lasted for about three years and then it ended up with my boyfriend getting involved with another woman and marrying her. I became quite depressed after this relationship dissolved. This feeling of anguish pushed me into returning to my Christian roots. So you see, even becoming something did not meet the mark because the pain from the loss of another relationship overrode the fact that I had a good job in the eyes of the world. So I came to have my second blessing that Norman Grubb speaks about in his book, Once Caught, No Escape: I discovered finding the mystery of the Gospel, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. I came to know that all my feelings were not my spirit, but came from my soul–and they were ever changing. I did not have to be controlled by my feelings. I was merely a vessel and Christ was the operator. My choice was to choose him and not believe that it was all up to me. I came to know that I was never meant to operate alone–He was my operator. And it wasn’t just me doing the operating. Satan had me by the tail and was whirling me around in all kinds of directions–every way but the right way. Satan had me fooled into thinking it was “just me,” when it was really him running my life. The scripture verse “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” became a reality for me. In fact, knowing the mystery of the gospel for all ages opened up scripture for the first time to me. I also saw that my sins were totally taken to the cross. Without Christ, I knew I could never be redeemed. Christ died for all, but it just wasn’t one man dying for all sins of mankind. This man was without sin–so that He that was without sin was made sin so that we might be made the righteousness in Him. I also began to see that sin has consequences and we all have a choice from this time forth to do the right thing, which is to believe that Christ is the operator. Let him rule your life and keep it free from sin. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lives in me…” (Galatians 2:20). I could turn it over and God knew I felt tired, depressed, heavily burdened and responsible. But “when I am weak then He is strong” (2 Cor. 12:10). “As Christ was crucified in weakness yet He lives by God’s power. Likewise we are weak in Him yet by God’s power we will live with Him” (2 Cor. 13:4). I began to follow His path where He promised His burden was light and His yoke was easy. At this point in my life, I decided that I did not want to have a relationship with a man just to have a relationship. I was willing to be a single career woman the rest of my life. If I was going to get involved, I wanted two things from a man I was going to have a relationship with: 1) to know God as I knew Him as Jesus Christ living out my life; and 2) strict protocol morally–no sex before marriage. Shortly after this decision, I met a man whom I believed was believing what I believed. We had a long distance relationship. We got married, and I moved to New York and left my career I had worked hard on. But I believed I was doing the next right thing in this choice I had made. I believed we would be a unit for God pressing onwardalthough looking back, it appears I had more of a passion for it than he. I viewed myself getting married as another chapter to my life and believed this was a relationship that would last till I or he died. My view about my marriage and my life were shattered shorlty there after. This brought me into seeing that the only reality was God. It was during my time with my husband that I began a 12–step program. The 12 steps fit perfectly with what I was believing spiritually: 1) I wasn’t in control, God was; and 2) the only choice I had was to choose Him (to believe that someone greater than myself could restore me to sanity and to turn my life and my will over to the care of God). The choice was to believe He was operating my life. This was the beginning of much healing for me and breaking of my denial. So, what occurred to shatter my perception? I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship which at times became life threatening for me. An event occurred when I was seven months pregnant (with twin girls) that led my husband to attend a domestic abuse program after the birth of the babies. But matters only worsened. He isolated and I became more frantic, nuts and scared. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my girls, so I left. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I felt devastated. 1992, the first year of my separation, was extremely painful. During that time I also broke ties with my mother, due to the fact she did not agree with the choices I had made concerning my life. And my grandmother died in April of that year. But the glory in it all was that God provided beautifully. I got a home for myself and the girls, a good job, a wonderful boss, and a good support and family system. God’s plan was much better than anything I could have planned, but what was required of me was to be willing to do it His way. Like Christ in Gesatheme, I wanted the cup taken away. If I hadn’t been willing, I would have not been able to bare witness to what He has done for me. What He promises, He provides. I was willing to take a risk and take a great leap of faith, not to mention the fact that my way had not worked. I had tried to control my husband’s reaction to me by not being honest and communicating my thoughts, feelings and desires. My plot did not work–I could not control him. I came to believe that the best thing I could do for my husband was to live right, make the right choices, and be honest and forthright. And let God direct my ways –lean not into thine own understanding but let God direct my paths–and let thy will and not mine be done. I have put my trust in the Lord–not man–and He has provided.